After viewing this video and then reading this post on Zack Arias' photography blog, I feel compelled to write this confession: I have been standing on the dock my entire life.
Every so often I will climb aboard a little tour boat and go off somewhere for a "safe" holiday. And when I arrive at that "other place", I am able to see where I came from I start thinking to myself: "Wow! I made it! I'm somewhere else!"
But eventually my vacation ends. And when the journey is finally over and I disembark from my tour boat, I realize that it has returned me to the same place I started from. And the most disturbing thought about it is this: I was steering the boat the whole time!
I know that I could have steered that boat anywhere. Yet I chose to come back "here". Again and again in my life I
have taken the same boat on the same tour and each time I think this will be the last time I take it. I believe that when I get off the boat this time, I really will be someplace new and different!
It happened with my Art: After High School, rather than attend College I attended a Graphic Design school. But I never became a Graphic Artist.
It happened with my music. Although I played drums in a garage band for 6 years back in the 90's, I never become a Real Musician.
It happened with my Business: I got involved in Real Estate Investing back when the bubble was still growing bigger and bigger. But I didn’t work it the right way and wound up having to ditch my investments.
And it’s happening with my Photography: I didn't go to school for it. Now I am feeling with more and more frequency that my lack of formal education in fully understanding the technical stuff is preventing me from succeeding.
But, I do recognize that I have some skills. I have had much positive feedback from people-not-my-family/friends. And yet I still struggle internally with doubts and a serious lack of confidence. I struggle with learning about lighting. I buy books and I even read thru some of them. I buy “Learn to be a Photographer” DVD’s and such as well. I attend workshops on lighting and such, and really do learn some good things. But while I see others taking it to the “Next Level”, I am still trying to figure out a good Workflow, and Filing System. Still trying to learn how to place the lights based on knowledge, rather than just “guessing”.
They say that we are our own toughest critics…and I am here to tell you “They” are right! The more I shoot and show my work the more I am afraid of being seen as a Photography Hack…One of those Digital Guys that the Old School Film shooters are always bitching about because we steal their business by offering Photographic Services on the Cheap or even “Gasp!” for Free! (TFP)
Yet somehow I haven’t considered selling my gear. I just keep hacking away behind the camera and in Photoshop. I continue trying to learn about lighting ratios, and how to distinguish in advance what the effects on an image will be when I change the shutter speed or the f/stop. I work on learning how to effectively use the gazillion Light Modifiers which are available to me. I keep working on learning the technical stuff just to throw it all away when I have a subject in front of me and I am finally able to lose myself in the process of Creating My Art.
By the way, I do still play my Drums. I’ve got a kit setup in the living room, much to the neighbor’s dismay I’m sure. And I am able to lose myself in the rhythms when I play, even though it is just me playing by myself. And I do still like to draw at times…but I have to admit that everything takes a back seat to the Passion of Photography. And by everything I include The Doubt, The Fear, and The Apprehension I feel whenever I don’t have a camera in my hand…
Weird, huh?
