A crackle of thunder in the darkness; the stillness of the room when the lights are off and the sound from other distractions is pushed into the background; the only light source comes from a small phone on my hip which I flip open to use the screens luminance to see my way around. It doesn’t cast light the same way as a flashlight, it’s more like a candle in the way that it allows me to see only those things that are nearby. Things that are an immediate threat to my safety while I step cautiously down the hallway avoiding the partially chewed rawhide bones that the girls leave laying around like landmines, just waiting for someone to either step on., or sweep away.
This is the mood that I find myself in again. It doesn’t happen all the time. In fact, it seems to be less and less frequent. But when it does happen, I feel...creative. In a way that has become so very rare in my life I feel focused on the thought of creating something. A tapestry of words if you will. And you are the witness to the results.
Please don’t judge me too harshly in reading what I have written. It is being done by a man with a great emptiness surrounding him. A chunk of me has gone missing and I am desperate to get it back. Some might say that it’s linked to my failed relationship. But I would have to disagree. I feel that it’s much deeper than that. This goes to my core. This is the dreaded truth that lingers just beneath my surface that will on occasion, such as right now, allow itself to be known for just the most short lived of moments. For this incredibly brief stint of time I can put a face and a name to my internal enemy and see it for the life-sucking being that it really is. But it’s a part of me and I am unable to do battle with it in full on my own.
I can’t stop the beast within from taking hold of me and forcing me to make ALL the wrong decisions. It lies in wait until such times as I am most distracted from my purpose and my goals and it throws all of the obstacles in my way. Food. Boredom. Forgetfulness. Sleepiness. Memories of the past and incomplete visions of the future. They are all there within me and are brought out by this beast who seems intent on forever dominating my life and my decisions to keep my securely in place. Tucked away in my “Comfort Zone”. The beast within me does have a name. I call it “Fear”. If I were more skilled at words I would be able to use all methods of description to create a description for your entertainment. And mine as well. Let’s face it, I do love to read my own writings!
But this isn’t that type of tale. It’s just a single battle raging in an ongoing war between myself and myself. You see, I have no one to blame but myself for my predicament as I am my own boss in the way I choose to live my life. And to be honest…at the moment, I am losing the battle! I feel sleep coming to claim me and that is something that I have a very hard time fighting. I feel the distraction happening as I type these words.
And now, I think I shall, for the moment allow myself to surrender to it as it will have its way with me if I keep going this way…so, for now...Goodnight
