So...they say it's my Birthday!

Well…today is June 15th. My birthday. I am 38 today. It’s looking like another year passed me by without any significant improvements in my life. At least not in my personal life. This past year I began investing in real estate. In the course of about 6 months I have acquired 4 investment homes and they all currently have people in them. That is a good thing…giving me some extra cash flow. But the problem is, I have no idea how to make my money really work for me. I spend it with out thinking. That has always been a problem for me. I really need a partner that can handle the finances better then I am able to. I would love for that partner to be my wife. That is a dream of mine: To find a woman to share my dreams with. In fact, someone to provide me with a reason to even have dreams. As it stands, I have no real reason to achieve anything of substance in my life. As far as I am concerned personally, I can be happy just about where I am right now. But I am also aware that there are some things in life that are worth striving for. Things beyond what I am able to get in my current position in life. So that is the main force behind my desire at this point. To find something worth achieving, Worth striving for.

I have been reading books that are supposed to help me unlock the key within myself. The key that I know I hold that will open any door inside my mind that is a barrier to my success. I know that these books hold real, actual, usable information. The only thing I need in order to tap into it all is the will to try the methods they suggest. The will power to do what I know I need to do. But, (now that is as deadly and poisonous a word if ever there was one. That will kill the creativity and crush the hope out of any fledgling thought!) I have yet to really make an honest attempt at any of them. I don’t really know why either. Oh, sure, I could use the copout and say that I am “afraid”. But until I define what I mean by that, it really isn’t helping me any. It’s just the security blanket of my insecurities. Man…there are times that I really wish I drank. At least that way I would have a more tangible excuse for failing. Something that other people could point at and say “Steve, if only you would stop drinking, you could make all this stuff work…” and I could say “Yeah…I’ll try. Hand me another beer.” And then my friends would get pissed off at me and leave me alone. But they would be thinking that they knew the real reason behind my failure. It would be more concrete to them than my trying to explain that I just don’t think there is any reason to try. Geeze that sounds depressing!

I know that there are times when I am depressed and that depression can affect me in subtly negative ways. Sapping any desire I may be feeling and keeping me laying on the couch to watch another movie that I have seen before. Keeping me from wanting to get up because then I would have to “DO” something and I can not for the life of me figure out what that something should be!

Man, if I continue this line of thinking I am going to get more depressed! So, I think I will call it quits for now…I may write more later. It may not be on this topic (at least I HOPE it won’t be!) but it should give my fingers time to rest from all the work on the keyboards they are doing right now!